Note to director . . .

Police detectives find another girl with her head cut off.  Kudos to this frequently dreadful season giving us a little gore.  Unfortunately, they squander that goodwill with the line,  “I can see the tabloids now — headless girl in topless club.”  C’mon, that is a blatant rip-off of the classic 1983 New York Post headline “Headless Body in Topless Bar“. ^[1]  Very cheesy, guys.

Warhol (I’ll ignore that appropriation since it seems utter pointless) Evans, the alleged head-chopper-offer, is quickly caught in an alley.  The officers send for Jack Lynch to do the interrogation.  He is known by all to be the bestest detective ever.  They find him also in an alley, doing a few lines — bowling I mean.  He comes to the station still carrying his ball-bag in his hands (hee-hee!).  

Lynch begins interviewing Evans.  He immediately denies the charges and tells the detectives they “will be drinking a shit shake through a crazy straw.”  More plagiarism as I believe McDonald’s trademarked this phrase years ago.  Evans seems to think he’s a big-shot because he wrote an episode of Tales from the Crypt.  No, seriously, that is in the episode.  Can you appropriate from yourself?

Lynch aggressively accuses Evans of being a serial killer despite a complete lack of evidence.  He had been nabbed washing his hands in the vicinity of the last murder.  If that is considered an extraordinary event in London, then God help their COVID-19 stats.  

. . . it is now possible to put 2 actors in the same frame. Did the SJWs decide a “master” shot was racist?

Evans arrogantly refuses to call in a lawyer.  He says he has written scenes like this, so knows exactly how it will go.  He even magnanimously offers to find the real killer, lifting a ploy from OJ Simpson.  Lynch notes that last night Evans purchased a book entitled The Satanic Scriptures — a lazy way to invoke the murder-scare associated with The Satanic Verses. 

Evans says it was just research.  He is working on a script about a satanist who is reincarnated as a serial killer who — wait for it — only kills other serial killers.   Let’s be charitable and call this an homage to Dexter.

Evans does go on a pretty good (and original) analysis of crime scene photos.  He believes the killer might be frustrated at having been passed over for promotions — like Lynch.  And having a strong right arm from tossing a bowling ball and carrying it everywhere with him — like Lynch.  Good stuff.

Lynch discovers a massive amount of pornography at Evans’ flat, which also seems very familiar to me.  I just can’t place where I’ve seen such a cache of . . . oh, yeah.  However, Evans also has books on how to make pipe-bombs and land-mines, and Antifa for Dummies.  Again, Evans says it is all for research.  There is also mention of him assaulting a little girl years ago.

For the big finish, Lynch puts a satchel from Evans’ closet on the table.  He opens it to reveal a misshapen head in a large glass jar.  OK, hold the phone — this is a direct steal from Ray Bradbury’s The Jar which was adapted for Ray Bradbury Theater, The Alfred Hitchcock Hour, the 1980s revival of Alfred Hitchcock Presents. and a very special episode of Benson.  ^[2] Evans says he bought it at freak show because he thought it was funny, but he knows he’s screwed.

SPOILER

Lynch has proven Evan’s guilt to everyone’s satisfaction.  He is again hailed as the bestest detective ever.  He goes home, and unzips his bowling ball bag.  Nothing in there but a ball.  However, he lifts the top off the hollow ball and pulls out the dead woman’s head.  He puts it in the fridge with 2 others and has a beer.

There seemed to be a lot of references to other stories, and not in a winking Scream-like way.  More in a Joe Biden campaign speech way ^[3].  Other than the brief scene where Evans does his analysis, there’s not much going on.  This should have been released as a movie.  Not because it is good, but because it feels 90 minutes long.

By coincidence I saw Eddie Izzard (Evans) in Get Duked! yesterday.  That would be a much better use of your time.

I rate it 4 out of 10 frames.  However, Get Duked! earns a respectable 8 frames.

Other Stuff:

• [1] Great as this is, they will never top “Bezos Exposes Pecker“.  It has more levels than Amway.  Just retire the trophy now.
• [2] To be honest, I’m not sure it was explicitly a head in Bradbury’s jar.  But, c’mon, what else would it be?  BTW, the AHP episode was directed by Tim Burton.  What?
• [3]  The big news in that link is that Newsweek still exists.
• Very timely:  This episode is directed by the director of Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey.
• Ciarán Hinds (Lynch) was Mance Rayder in 5 episodes of Game of Thrones.  He was the white guy with the beard.  [UPDATE: I finally Googled him, and he seems to be just about the only guy other than Bran without a beard.]