Uber-That-Guy Hector Elizondo (Leo Burns) is getting briefed by Adam West (in a rare non-campy role) who has been tailing Burns’ hot, much younger wife Patsy Kensit (Bridget, best known as the chick from Lethal Weapon 2).  They watch films of her going about her day, getting groceries, going to mass.  But there is no evidence of her cheating.

Burns is not convinced and explains his feelings to West as the camera does a totally pointless Vertigo push-pull shot.  I love these shots in theory, but it is just pointless here by director Kyle MacLachlan.  Maybe he knew this would be his only directing credit according to IMDb and just couldn’t resist.

Burns fires West and goes to a more sleazy detective, Sam Waterston (DeVoe).  He tells DeVoe that he first suspected his wife was having an affair when she stopped having the sex with him 2 months earlier.  DeVoe tells him there is a saying in the business:  “If you’re not getting it, someone else is.”

A week later, DeVoe tells Burns that his wife is going to mass every day and might be banging the priest.  Burns pays a visit to Father Sajec at the church, who he suspects did not buy a vowel of chastity^[1].  As he is leaving, he sees the priest and his wife go into a confessional booth where his imagination runs wild at what might be happening inside.

He tells DeVoe he wants the priest “shot in the dick, then in the ear.”  Luckily, for the right price, DeVoe can make it happen.  Burns ponies up the dough for the hit man, but changes his mind and races to the church to prevent the killing.

He grabs some priesty clothes and sneaks into a confessional which fortuitously is visited by his wife within seconds. She confesses her sins which include not putting out for her husband.  Turns out it was not because of an affair with the priest, but because her mother died in childbirth and she was terrified of getting knocked up.

Burns is so thrilled to hear that, that he reveals himself 9not in the usual priestly way). Bridget is surprisingly thrilled to see her old coot husband and all is well until the hitman shows up sees a priest kissing Bridget.

Twist-wise, this is a perfect story for the series, but loses a few points in the execution.  If a great jazzy score by Branford Marsalis had not livened things up, it could have gotten a little maudlin.

MacLachlan is also very limited in his direction.  I don’t ever before remember being conscious of how many background / foreground conversations and cliche over the shoulder shots were in an episode.  I guess that’s why he tried to liven one up with the Vertigo gimmick (a gimmick here, not in Vertigo).

And Patsy Kensit is is criminally underused.  I hadn’t given her much of a thought since she was banging Martin Riggs.  But even in the fuzzy opening surveillance shots she is absolutely beautiful.  Granted, this is not really her story, but I would have liked more shots of her, and certainly better shots of her.  They had someone really special in that role and didn’t capitalize on her enough.

Elizondo and Waterston are pros, though.  And John Shea (who I knew only as Lex Luthor) was fine as the groovy priest.

Not a great episode, but some good performances, a great score and a tight story make this an above average outing.

Post-Post:

• [1] I know, I know.
• Title Analysis:  Nothing fancy, but solid; like rock.  Could apply to many episodes, but at least they didn’t randomly squander it, as a priest and church are key to the story.  Galatians 6:7, by the way.