This might be the worst opening I’ve ever seen to a TV episode.  It begins with 83 seconds of Sharon Bannister typing.  That’s it.  There is no suspense, we can’t read what she is typing, she isn’t topless.  It is just typing for 83 seconds. ^[1]

Sharon removes the last page of her new book from the typewriter and we see the title, Death by Love.  This will be an ironic capper to her series sitting on the bookshelf: Death by Greed, Death by Pride, Death by Envy, Death by Lust, Death by Remorse, Death by Revenge, Death by Hate.  She seemed to have a 7 Deadly Sins thing going there (if you count Revenge as Wrath (any Trekkie can explain the connection)), but what is Remorse doing there? ^[2]

Her neighbor Mrs. Trask has come by to borrow a cup of sugar although, frankly, that’s the last thing she needs.  She has also asks Sharon to read a story that she has written.  Sharon’s review is, “In the pantheon of mystery writers, there’s the greats, there’s everyone else who’s ever written a book, and then there’s you.  Agatha Christie can rest in peace.”  The actors are well cast, the line is fabulous, but this is painful.  I like some good dry British humor, but this is just death.  The lethargy — which seems like a good English word, but I guess they all are — is stifling.

She hustles Mrs. Trask out, and the cycle begins again.   She hears noises, then gets a call from her ex-husband Larry.  She hears the door and tells Larry, “They’re coming in.”  She picks up a fireplace poker and advances toward the noises.  Again, this is so flatly staged that it creates zero suspense or tension.  Of course, it turns out to be Larry playing a trick on her.  As he enters the room, she calls him a bastard.  He replies, “You used to call me biscuit” which is just cringe-inducing.  Yada yada, he kills her, which in a good episode would have been one of the yadas.

This awful tone is sad, because there are some great bits here.  The two women are great in their roles, or could have been.  There is a nice scene where Mrs. Trask comes back after Larry has killed Sharon.  He has propped her up at her typewriter with a ruler in a way which is just awesome.  After Mrs. Trask leaves, Sharon falls over, and that is used to transition to a shot of Larry dumping her body on the floor of the basement.  Great stuff, although I’m not sure a famous author would live in a house with a dirt floor in the basement.

Well, Mrs. Trask’s loser son Joey has a crush on Sharon, there is a bit over some missing keys, Sharon is maybe not as dead as suspected, Joey gets a gun and Larry finds some hedge-clippers.  This plays out nicely, but is just so deadly dull that it is hard to care.  As if to really punish the audience, the return of Mrs. Trask is literally in slow motion.

This strikes me as the greatest misfire in 7 years of TFTC.  There have been some awful episodes, but none that had so many great assets totally squandered.  Amp up the energy, give it a decent score, and this story could have been a classic.  How this got to air is puzzling.  The writer can’t blame the director because he is the same guy.  And that guy was responsible for L.A. Confidential and a lot of other fine work.

Other Stuff:

• [1] Just the opening credits, you are thinking.  No, only the Producer and Writer/Director overlap with this scene.  And I only started the clock when she was visible, not at the sound of the typewriter.  To be fair, some of it is hand-held, indicating a voyeur, but that soon gives way to a more standard shot.  It’s a lot of typing is all I’m saying.
• [2] Seven books (or eight with the Love capper) seems to indicate a lack of confidence.  Maybe she learned a lesson from Sue Grafton who just missed finishing the series.  If Stephen King’s titles followed a formula, he could have probably made it through the Periodic Table of Elements by now.