Tales from the Crypt – The Man Who Was Death (S1E1)

tftccover01This is almost a William Sadler twin spin as he starred in The Outer Limits’ Valerie 23 just yesterday.  Here, he is playing a completely different character, and pulling it off magnificently.  I have been aware of who he was for a long time, but it is finally sinking in what a major talent this guy is.

The episode — the premiere of the series — starts off with with a great score by Ry Cooder who you will know by his work with, oh, everybody.  It reminds me of a carnival,  a calliope.  I have read some complaints about the score, but maybe it is appropriate as this whole episode is a merry-go-round.

Sadler has been the state executioner for 12 years until liberal pantywaists get the death penalty overturned in his state.  Sadly the Executioners Local 101 is unable to save his job.

mansadler04aSadler foresees the Reality TV genre 10 years before Survivor by envisioning a show featuring death row inmates.  Rather than taking that winning idea to Hollywood, he decides to become a vigilante, killing off those who the justice system has let slip through its fingers.

The first recipient of this frontier justice was instantly recognizable as one of Ahnold’s first victims in T2 — the cigar smoking dude in the bar.  You see this guy in a movie, don’t expect an arc.

The great Gerrit Graham (from the classic Used Cars) is the 2nd victim.  They were really bringing out the big guns of character actors for this first episode.

Naturally, the episode comes full-circle just like the merry-go-round whose theme started the episode.  Sadler’s vigilantism is not appreciated by “the man” who has just re-instituted the death penalty.

mansadler07aNot a lot of subtext here, but it is well produced and very well acted.  A great start to a series I don’t really have many fond memories of.

Post-Post Leftovers:

  • Breaking the 4th wall does not always work, but Sadler pulls it off here, and also gives the episode a real noir vibe.
  • Again, I am baffled by the screenwriter’s lot in Hollywood.  Robert Reneau is co-credited as writer of this episode.  He had 2 screenplays produced 20 years ago, then nothing.  WTF?  OK, they were Action Jackson and Demolition Man, but at least I have heard of them.
  •  Who exactly is the Crypt-Keeper for?  Seems more of a kiddie thing, but then there was nudity in the episode, too.  That’s what killed Sears — you can’t please everybody; pick a niche.
  • Pretty shrewd of Warner Brothers to put this out as “Season 1” and mention nowhere on the box that it is only 6 episodes.  This is why you have no friends, Warner Brothers.
  • Directed by Robert Zemeckis, of the aforementioned Used Cars and Back to the Future.
  • A close-up of the hot-line to the Governor reveals that this takes place in Arkansas (Area Code 501).  As this episode aired in 1989, that Governor would have been one Mr. William Jefferson Clinton.

 

Godzilla (2013)

godzillacover02What is wrong with you people?  By “you people”, I mean the 72% of critics and 77% of normal people on Rotten Tomatoes who liked this.

I actually dozed off more than once during this fiasco.  Does that disqualify me from giving a review?  Or is that the review?  And this was after starting off with a 128 ounce Coke.

It starts out great — the montage under the opening credits is fascinating.  Then people start talking.  No movie I have covered on this site has had more lackluster dialogue than Godzilla (the movie, not the monster).

OK, no one went to this expecting My Dinner with Andre.  But just compare scenes from Jaws or Close Encounters or Independence Day to similar scenes in this movie.  The dialog  is constantly clunky or too wordy, never artful, and rarely effective.

I first noticed this when Bryan Cranston was being detained.  It instantly reminded me of Richard Dreyfuss being held in a small trailer by the Army in CE3K.  That short non-action scene in Close Encounters was made interesting and suspenseful in just a few sentences.  Even an actor as good as Cranston could not sell the terrible words he was given in his comparable scene.  I wish I could find the script online to give many more examples.

And thank God I did not find a bootleg DVD in the street, so I am not tempted to even just skim this movie again to make notes.  I will never watch this movie again.  I wasn’t even planning on writing about it, but the spent time and money are buggin’ me, man!  Where to start?  How much time is worth wasting on this movie?

  • It is kind of a bait & switch to show Bryan Cranston so prominently in the ads.  He really is killed off pretty early.  And maybe I was already getting drowsy, but somehow I missed him dying.  I saw him strapped to gurney with a neck support.  Was he already dead?  Was that even him?
  • I always like Elizabeth Olson, but she is completely wasted in this film (and not in the good way).
  • Kick-Ass, where art thou?  Aaron Taylor-Johnson is a colossal bore as Cranston’s son.  A problem since he is arguably the lead character.  He reminds me of Bruce Willis’ son in Die Hard 5 — the movie is already crap, and one of the leads is an absolute non-entity.  I would have paid an extra buck to see Jesse Pinkman as his son.
  • David Strathaim — another good actor totally wasted.  And what is this obsession with shooting the back of his head?  Marcellus Wallace got more face-time.
  • When Cranston removes his haz-mat helmet and takes a breath, are they suggesting that he can smell that there is no radiation?
  • Another CE3K comparison: the discovery of the ship in the desert vs the discovery of the Russian sub in the forest in Godzilla.  Fun, mysterious, beautiful vs zzzzzzzz.
  • When Cranston was ranting, “that was no earthquake, that was no typhoon . . .” I expected him to continue, “this is not a boat accident, and it wasn’t any propeller!”
  • And if that Hiroshima story was supposed to be as effective as the USS Indianapolis story in Jaws.  Just no.
  • Add Aliens to the homage list for the burning of the egg-sac.
  • I remember Roger Ebert saying one time that Heaven’s Gate was so poorly filmed that even the primary act of looking at the screen was a chore.  Same here.  In most of the scenes, it is either night, or there is a nuclear winter sized dust cloud which grays out the entire shot.  Some shots were so washed out, that they would have actually been more colorful in black & white.
  • The bit with the lost little boy on the train was so quickly contrived, then immediately resolved in an absurd coincidence that it is laughable in its attempt to manipulate the audience.
  • The design of the MUTOs was distracting.  For a while, I thought they were mechanical due to the shape of the head, and the red lights.  I liked them more when I initially thought they were named MOTOs.
  • Didn’t understand the thing with the bus on the bridge, and the dog scene was just weird.  Again, maybe I was resting my eyes.  Something was off about that opening birthday riff also.
  • How do these 300 foot monsters so often manage to sneak up on people?
  • And why was Godzilla fighting for humans anyway?  Didn’t we nuke him 60 years ago?

Memories were fading before leaving the parking lot.  I need to start taking a notepad to the theater.  And a good pillow.

Lastly.  When buying tickets online, I was very surprised that the 3D show starting in an hour had sold out, but the 2D show starting in 30 minutes was only 1/3 full.  This movie is already so dark, it seems like it would be disastrous for the always-too-dark 3D option.

The Outer Limits – Valerie 23 (S1E2)

valerie2301OK, Outer Limits gets another chance after my ordeal with the commercials last time.  I noticed that this episode was written by Jonathan Glassner who directed my favorite episode of this series; one of my top 5 favorites of any series, ever.  I remember Trial by Fire from its original airing, and have watched it many times since.  It is consistently intelligent, suspenseful, surprising, just outstandingly executed in every way.

However, we are here to discuss Valerie 23.

Uber-that-guy William Sadler is Frank Hellner, a wheelchair-bound engineer working on a synthetic skin project.  His friend / boss Charlie wants to set him up with a new employee.  He assures Frank that she knows about his condition and it isn’t a problem.  Frank, but not the audience, is shocked when she turns out to be incredibly hot.

valerie2304aWhen he finds out she is a robot, he is furious that Charlie thinks he needs a mechanical device to help him live his life — you know, other than the chair . . . and the special van.  After a swing and a miss at his physical therapist, Frank grudgingly agrees to give Valerie 23 a test drive.

The engineering team (which includes Byers from The Lone Gunmen) tells him he will have to keep a log (heh, heh), and that there will be a daily de-briefing (heh, heh).

Things start off awkwardly as Frank compares her to a dishwasher.  He is surprised that she is hurt by this.  He comforts her as she begins to cry.  Clearly Innobotics has a gender-based division of labor — programming handled by the women, hardware was handled by the men.

At the next debriefing, the team tells Frank that he needs to make more of an effort with Valerie, to actually treat her like a human.  Also that he needs to try out some of her other documented features as a — ahem — companion; the word being used in the same sense as on Firefly 7 years later.

valerie2308aAfter a little snuggling on the sofa, Frank freaks out and bolts to a bar.  Seeing another couple there, he realizes his loneliness.  Back at the house, he finds that Valerie now has a 2nd outfit.  Then no outfit.  Finally Frank wises up and puts Valerie to the work for which she was designed.

Showing that his accident also left him brain-damaged, he is wracked with guilt and / or self-loathing the next day.

His therapist has suddenly become available, so Frank meets her at the bar.  Valerie follows him and reads their lips through the window like HAL in 2001.  With pretty much the same results.  The next day, she follows them on a date rappelling (again,  I am apparently the last person on earth who can’t rappel) and confronts them.  Frank is able to put her in sleep mode before she throws his date off a cliff.  There is another confrontation and ultimate resolution that I will not describe.

valerie2310

I could just post pictures of her all day

Overall, a very well produced episode.  In fact, my memory is that this was a very good series.  I also see that they are commercial free on You Tube, so there  will be more to come; just with crappier screen-caps.

Post-Post Leftovers:

  • It is an insult to give William Sadler that-guy status.  He has had a huge career and is recognizable from many roles.  Looking over his IMDb page reminded me of a great offbeat movie of his that not many people have seen.  Some rainy afternoon catch up with Freaked.  If it isn’t a cult classic, it ought to be.
  • Sofia Shinas does a great job as Valerie.  She has an almost too-perfect face, and looks great in that white jumpsuit.  She also excels in making sure we remember she is not quite human — the head tilts, the wide-eyes, the inflections.  For my money, her performance is equal to Brent Spiner’s as Data; and with contractions!  She should have been a bigger star.
  • A year before this episode, she witnessed Brandon Lee’s death on the set of The Crow.
  • BTW, the therapist was genre perennial Nancy Allen.

Inside (2006)

insidecover0220 horror movies for $5; what could possibly go wrong?

I started with Inside because it was the first movie I found in this collection that did not get uniformly dreadful reviews.

It starts out with a nice switcheroo as a kid is eavesdropping on a couple who are talking about him.  At the cue of a toilet flushing we realize that they were not talking about him, but about the guy in the bathroom.  About to be busted, interloper Alex quietly flees the house.

Alex (Nicholas D’Agosto) has an interesting hobby: intruding, lurking, spying, staring.  Just generally being on the outside looking in.  Or in the first scene, on the inside looking further in.  And then in the park, on the outside still looking out.  He had seen Josie (Leighton Meester) in the library where she busted him for staring at another couple.  He then follows her to the park where he is busted again, this time for staring at her.

So apparently hot teen girls like to go with dweeby voyeurs back to their place after they are caught staring at them in the park.  That has not been my experience.  She did, however, try to steal his wallet.  OK, this is starting to ring true now.

The next day he follows the couple from the library to their home.  As he is peeking in the window, the woman catches him.  She believes she saw their dead son, who Alex does resemble.  Alex lets himself in and listens to them argue about their inability to cope with their son’s death.  There is something disconcerting about the simplicity of the scenes where Alex has intruded, and passively observes without the residents seeing him.  Then they see him.

Rather than calling the police or bringing out the Louisville Slugger, they invite him to dinner.  He is a dead ringer for their son who died a year ago.  Alice (Cheryl White) shows Alex a picture of her ex-son Timmy.

insidenotpictured01This not a nit-pick site because I don’t care about the length of cigarette ashes, positions of water glasses, what year cars are made, etc.  But I am baffled by obvious errors that slip through.  On the cover, Alex has a mole just above his lip on the left.  In the movie, Alex has that same mole, but it is on the right.  OK, when Alice brought out the picture of Timmy, I thought maybe he was the one on the cover; but no, he also has the mole on the right.  I could produce photographic evidence, but frankly all this talk of moles is making me a little sick.

Alice asks him to stay and just watch TV with her like Timmy.  He falls asleep and wakes up the next morning.  As he is leaving, Alex is hit by a car, and the Smiths take him in as a replacement for Timmy.  Soon they are having family movie night, gardening together, tossing around the football, playing Monopoly.

Alex begins to realize that the Smiths’ problem is not just depression or neediness, but a delusion that he really is Timmy.  This is especially true of Alice, as Mark (Kevin Kilner) still seems to have a connection to reality, seeing Alex as more a surrogate than resurrected Timmy .

The suspense deepens when the family is visited by their priest and later a therapist, neither of whom know that Timmy died (what did they do, bury him in the backyard?  oh).  Alex is a close enough match that they suspect nothing, and his protests are taken as tinsidealice02een angst.

Alex, needy in his own way, is partly complicit in this, but eventually realizes that he needs to go home.  When he tries to tell Alice he is not Timmy, she washes his mouth out with soap, and eventually she goes all Annie Wilkes on him.  Luckily he was already hobbled in the accident so no ankles were harmed in the filming of this scene.

And by the way, what happened to the driver?  Luckiest hit and run perp ever.

Alex tries to escape in a squeaky  wheelchair one night.  Alice stops him, but in the struggle, he falls, hits head, and they bury him in the garden.  He regains consciousness in the suspiciously illuminated grave and begins calling out for help.  The camera pans down to show Timmy a couple of feet further down, now just a skeleton.  Not sure that is decompositionally accurate, but it works.

Josie goes to the Smith house, but I am not clear on how she knows about them.  Jose digs Alex up while the Smiths are out shopping.  A twist is revealed that explains why Alex has allowed this to go on.  Of course, they are busted trying to leave and there is a confrontation.

Overall, I liked it.  Inside deserves better than being $.25 of a $5.00 DVD.   The performances were almost all very good.  Alice is given the heavy lifting, and handles it like Vasiliy Alekseyev.  It was a little disconcerting that Mark constantly reminded me of a hybrid clone of Huey Lewis and David Puddy, but he was also good walking the line between delusion and clarity.  Unfortunately, every time I saw Alex, I thought of Toby McGuire; but he gave a good subdued performance.

insideleighton01Josie seems a little over the top, but no more than I have seen in real people.  I wouldn’t call her the comedy relief, but she does at least raise the pulse of the film.  Her big problem is that the screenplay has to really strain to keep her in the story.  Not being a Gossip Girl guy, Leighton Meester has only shown up on my radar through her role as Behrooz’s girlfriend in 24 S4 where she was less obnoxious, did not drop F-bombs, and was very cute.  So they killed her.

I rate it just a little bit inside.

Post-Post Leftovers:

  • Good, but not to be confused with the very good French movie Inside.
  • In addition to the apparent flipped image on the cover, I also have to call them out on Leighton Meester’s photo which is terrible.  And unless the tag line is “Stars of the first season of Heroes . . .”, I’m not sure it helps.
  • Still thinking about how good Cheryl White was.  She was plain, beautiful, nurturing, crazy, whatever she needed to be.
  • What is with this sign in the library?  Are they really thinking that some Authors’ last names are going to start with DK?  Is this part of the Dkewey Decimal System?

    insidelibrary02

    Spidey-sense is tingling!

 

Ray Bradbury Theater – The Emissary (S2E3)

cover02Well, the good news is that there are only 12 episodes in the season — an unusual mini-season for a 1980s series.  Did they foresee the fatigue that it would inflict upon future viewers?  More likely it was a result of the show’s weird provenance, changing networks, going almost 2 years between seasons 1 and 2.  There didn’t seem to be a lot of demand for this show, and maybe for good reason.

In another gauzy  episode scored with electronic tinklings, we meet Martin, a boy with an unnamed disease that renders him completely healthy as far as we can tell.  Sure, he sticks pretty close to that bedroom, but he’s moving around, leaning out the window, going downstairs to eat.  I’m not seeing a bedpan, an IV, wheelchair, casts or bruises.  If you’re going to get a disease, this is the one to get; just don’t expect many callers at your telethon.  His only friend is his dog, Dog.

There is some fun early in the episode as we get a Dog’s-eye POV of him running through the town collecting  artifacts to keep Martin in touch with the outside world.  Sadly, Martin has made a tag for Dog to take out into the world to recruit some friends. emissarytag01

Not so sadly, this tactic reels in 80s babe Helen Shaver, last seen in The Sandkings.  She sees that the dog belongs to her missing student, and marches straight into his bedroom.  This being pre-Letourneau, Martin’s mother leaves them alone.

Almost immediately, Martin crushes on Ms. Haight despite the horrible job the make-up, hair and costume people have done on her.  She brings flowers, reads to him, teaches him about Jules Verne, Jack London, Robin Hood, the Pyramids; frequently laying on his bed.  This inspires Martin to write his own book from which she reads aloud a passage he has written about her.  Awkward.

That night, Martin’s mother receives a call telling her that Ms Haight has been killed in a crash.  Martin watches the funeral procession from his window.  Dog, being the faithful psychic pal, knows what he must bring back to Martin to make him happy.

So we have a reverse Pet Semetary (which came out 5 years earlier) in which a pet resurrects a human.  And it works out just about as well, as we see the filthy Dog come into Martin’s room, and a gray decaying hand grips the door.  Sometimes, dead is better.

Once again, the ending is botched.  Leaving the episode open to interpretation and deliberately muddying the story are two different things.  Is this a happy ending or a horror ending?

Case for horror ending: The music and the wind suggest an evil presence returning to the house. Martin’s lamp goes out when Miss Haight enters his room.  She has been invisible up to this point — and I mean invisible, not simply out of the frame.  It could have been the POV in some shots, but when the front door slammed, where was she?  The only thing we finally see of her is a decaying hand on the bedroom door.

Case for happy ending: This has been a sugary sweet episode up until now with warm relationships between Martin, his mother, Miss Haight, and Dog.  Dog has always had a preternatural instinct to bring just the right thing back to his master.  Surely he wouldn’t bring evil, or fleas, into the house.  The gray hand does not seem to disturb Martin.  When his lamp goes out, it is replaced by a heavenly light.  He smiles as he is bathed in this light that washes out the screen.

The last line is said by Miss Haight and could be taken 2 ways, “Come to me.”  The words alone, coming from a corpse, are ominous.  However, they are said in a strange sing-song voice.  But even if said positively, this is a) a corpse beckoning a live child to join her, and 2) a 40-year old corpse beckoning a live child to join her.  No good can come from this.

I have to go with the horror ending, and the short story seems to suggest that.  But how did Dog go so wrong, and why is Martin so happy?

Would it have killed Bradbury to have the kid scream in terror?  Or maybe Martin could have embraced death if his disease had actually caused him to suffer.  It’s all just too nice; maybe that is the pitfall of a Canadian series.

Post-Post Leftovers:

  • Although Pet Semetary was published 5 years before The Emissary aired, Bradbury’s original short story was published in 1947 — coincidentally, the year Stephen King was born.
  • Dad gets one scene and is kind of a dick.  He has nothing to do with the story, why is he even there?  Oh, yeah: Men Bad.
  • For some reason, it amuses me that one of the ChiPs guys was a producer on a few RBT episodes.  No, the other one.
  • Why was the teacher named Miss Haight?  Surely not because it sounds like hate.  A Haight Ashbury reference?  Not sure it was anything significant in 1947.
  • Nice economy of set dressing below, as the leaves start just at the property line.  Or did all the other homes have healthy boys whose fathers made them take care of their yards?  Maybe that explains this fishy symptomless disease.

emissaryleaves02